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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people