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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
When in doubt, take a nap.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
How do nudist clean their glasses?
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.