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My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?