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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie