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I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.