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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?