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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.