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One trenta cheeseburger please.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.