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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.