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My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.