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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
This patience thing takes forever.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.