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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.