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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do