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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"