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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.