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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.