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It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!