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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list