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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.