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Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake