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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
Gun Control: Use both hands
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.