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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Soup of the day: Beer
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.