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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.