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Iām a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !