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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen