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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist