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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.