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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.