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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."