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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.