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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.