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To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!