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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.