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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Keep calm and drink on.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.