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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.