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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive