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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.