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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
It`s funny how when you post a status and some people think it`s about them..Hahahaha it was.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.