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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.