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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.