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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car