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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
I`m never free but I`m available.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."