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When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?