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Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Iām dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.