Daily Silly Status

School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.

I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.

When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.

I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.

Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.

A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.

Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.

Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.

It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"

I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.

is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep

You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|