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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.