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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.