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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.