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Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Please do not read this.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
heyy lol
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.