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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.