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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out Iām not fat. Iām a panda.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Tequila is Spanish for Iām open to waking up anywhere.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is