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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`