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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
As an adult, Iām not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.