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Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?