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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.