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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.