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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.