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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.