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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government