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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........