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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.