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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?